BY GOVIND KRISHNAN V

In a shocking development, the Indian media has revealed that the BJP’s prime minister candidate Narendra Modi has created six Horcruxes, much like Lord Voldemort, fictitious antagonist of the Harry Potter series. This is the latest in a series of extremely useful facts that the Indian media has unearthed about Modi, including that urban women find his masculine presence appealing.

According to the news report, PMO bureaucrats found this information in the personal papers of out-going PM Manmohan Singh, who had bequeathed it to Congress Party vice president and his heir-apparent Rahul Gandhi. “The PM was inspired by reading the final Harry Potter book, in which Albus Dumbledore passes on secret information on how to defeat Lord Voldemort to his favourite pupil Harry Potter. Dumbledore did it through a book on wizarding children’s tales, so Manmohanji has given a set of Amar Chitra Katha comics to Rahulji, who loves reading them,” the report quoted officials as saying. The officials say that this explains why the PM has been uncharacteristically silent for the last three years. He was apparently scouring the countryside incognito, in an attempt to find and destroy Modi’s Horcruxes.

It is widely expected that a contest between Modi and Gandhi would decide the next Indian general elections. But a source close to Gandhi said that the real fight is for the Horcruxes. “Modi has created Horcruxes using extremely dark, non-secular magic. But Rahulji is the chosen one. He is on a mission to find and destroy Modi’s Horcruxes and then he will defeat him in a final showdown in the general elections,” the source said.

Rahul Gandhi, however, said he had no interest in being the chosen one. “It is not important if I am the chosen one or not. Being chosen or not, is a state of mind,” he said. Modi denied that he had made Horcruxes, or that he wanted to be PM.

The President of the Indian Rationalists Association issued a statement rubbishing the media report. “It is all superstition. Either Manmohan Singh has lost his head, or the media has,” he said. A case has been filed against him by the Wiccans and Witches Council of India for hurting their religious sentiments. While the BJP has called the whole Horcrux story a conspiracy of the Congress to malign Modi, party officials admitted in private that they are not taking any chances. They also said that the party’s national committee has put in an urgent order from online retailer Flipkart for copies of the Harry Potter series.

(The “Rant” column is an irreverent take on an issue or idea.)

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